Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You can't special order awesome
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
