Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
