hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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