paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize