I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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