this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
