dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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