dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
