I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize