I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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