I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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