I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
