Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
