How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
