Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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