so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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