John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
