How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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