i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
