i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
