24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just invented taco cereal.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
