You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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