hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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