hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
