I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
