If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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