i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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