she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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