why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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