Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
