I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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