I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
