Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
and she was petting her beer can
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
