I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
