He disabled his match.com account in front of me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
