where am i from again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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