goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to stop coming to work sober
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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