do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
