Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
