I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
