Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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