I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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