Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize