Please, let me fuck your mom
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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