Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
