Swine flu is the new snow day.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
