Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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