I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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