mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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