sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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