You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
