Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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