2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
