Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
