Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
