Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
