One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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